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| wholelife action area> getting to know myself better my working life personal relationships health - mind and body leisure, social and 'me time' mindercises |
looking for a relationship – finding a new partner
What have I discovered about myself and my past relationships that has a bearing on my present situation?
What am I looking for? If my answer is 'a compatible partner',
'someone to love me' or something similar, what do I mean by that?
What
are my expectations? Are they realistic?
Is
there a consistent pattern in my personality or behaviour which
is preventing me from meeting potential partners?
Is
there a consistent pattern in my personality or behaviour which
is preventing me from sustaining a relationship past a few meetings?
Am
I shy by nature? Could I work on overcoming my shyness?
Do
I look at friends and put myself down in comparison?
Am
I over-the-top extrovert and possibly intimidating?
Do
I acknowledge my own faults and weaknesses?
Am
I critical of other people? To their face? To others, behind their
back?
Do
I expect people to make changes in line with my perceived requirements?
Am
I prepared to take risks and make changes?
Do
I make an effort to see the other person's point of view ?
Am
I obsessive about any aspect of life? Am I a jealous person? Food,
drink, sex or exercise obsessed? Unable to curb my spending on
unnecessary items? A gambler? Excessively tidy to the exclusion
of normal family life? Do I have hypochondriac tendencies?
Do
I take care over my personal hygiene?
Am
I carrying a load of guilt to do with my sexuality, my body shape
and my self image? Am I full of fears and insecurities about the
future?
Do
I have a healthy approach to money - how to earn it, to spend
it, to give it and to save it ?
Do
I mix with people who have similar lifestyle wishes?
Do
I mix with people who have similar leisure interests?
Do
I make an effort to go out with friends? To participate in leisure
activities?
Am
I afraid to commit myself emotionally because of what has happened
in the past?
Am I ready to meet a compatible partner?
When you've had a chance to digest your answers, you can probably
see where changes need to be made. If your aim is to find a suitable
partner, write this as your Target statement across your notepad.
[Your aim could of course be 'to be happily single for a while'
- in which case you may need to ask yourself some additional questions
about being single and content!]
Now you can devise a realistic strategy for change that allows
you to create this suitable relationship. Divide your notebook
vertically down the middle into two columns. Headline the left
column, Create Changes and list all those changes that you want
to work on.
Headline the right column Action Choices. Note opposite each item
in Create Changes how you will actually achieve each change and
give yourself a time schedule.
As you are no doubt aware, there are several self-help books on
meeting and maintaining a partner, so your next stop may be the
local bookstore. Alternatively you can get right out there and
... join a club, check in for night school, take up a new sport,
sing in a choir, invite your friends round for a meal, organise
a trip to the theatre, volunteer for charity work, take a weekend
'activity' break, attend seminars and conferences relating to
your work or hobbies, book a singles holiday, listen to Michael
Jackson's 'Man in the mirror'.
The secret is not to do any of these activities with the sole
objective of meeting a partner, but to do them for their own sake,
enjoy the experience and live a little. It’s usually when
you’re not looking that you will find!
Remember 'you never get a second chance to make a good first impression'
so be responsible for your best use at all times - take care of
your mental and physical welfare. Walk tall and smile - your charisma
will instantly shine through!