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| wholelife action area> getting to know myself better my working life personal relationships health - mind and body leisure, social and 'me time' mindercises |
strategies for changing existing relationships
First
you need to consider strategy for changes
you can work on personally
List the things you have identified as needing to change in the
left hand Create Changes column. In the right hand Action Choices
column note how you will actually achieve each change and give
yourself a time schedule.
For example, if you want to learn to be less critical, tell yourself
that every time you start to criticise your partner, you will
immediately hear it as a cue to re-think and see your behaviour
as being inappropriate. [You could try using Your
Character Cue in the section mindercises.]
The time schedule here is immediate!
Likewise, if you want to give more time to your relationship -
start today. But work out how you can sustain the giving of this
extra time, otherwise it will be a one-minute wonder. On the other
hand, if you are unhappy with your body and want to change your
'body image' because it is affecting your relationship, it may
be wise to visit the ‘health
– mind and body’ section in this wholelife
action area, which relates to food, exercise, perception and reality.
It will allow you to highlight practical ways in which you can
start to make best use of your body. It will also allow you to
look at the way your mind 'sees' your body.
Next consider strategy for changes required
from your partner. List all those changes which you feel
require a concerted effort from your partner in the left hand
Create Changes column and try to gain ownership from your partner
for the Action Choices. If you are not able to obtain consent
here, you can accept that this is the case for the time being.
I suggest that you go ahead and start to make your own changes.
However as the whole point of a relationship is that it consists
of two people, at some stage you will have to confront these issues
again with your partner. By setting a good example, your partner
should be more open to the idea of making a few changes also -
it will just take more time to initiate those changes.
Strategy for joint changes - list
all those changes which require joint work. This could be, to
some extent, a way of overcoming some of the problems encountered
in getting your partner to make personal changes. For example,
you may be squeaky clean yourself but feel your partner's personal
hygiene leaves much to be desired. Although this is your partner's
problem, if he/she is not prepared to change, you could devise
a system where every time you, or your partner, wanted to have
sexual intercourse, you introduce bathing or showering as part
of the intimacy.
In the same way, if there is a wide difference in your approaches
to money, you will need to work out and agree what is 'reasonable'
within your particular budgetary constraints.
Discuss and work through any areas or problems which require joint
change. If your partner is unwilling to participate in this exercise,
then you need to ask yourself WHY?
Strategy for major relationship changes.
If your answers to the relationship questions show that there
are serious problems which indicate fundamental change, then you
may require outside help. Professional help is best used as early
as possible if there is to be a good chance of reconciliation.
Never underestimate the pain and guilt associated with the break
up of a relationship - reconciliation should nearly always be
the first option. Remember you both chose to get together at one
time - are the good reasons for being together still there? If
you are seriously considering leaving your relationship, particularly
if there are children involved, then set some quiet time aside
to project forward and examine the realities of the break up.
Write down the plus and minus points both in terms of your physical
and financial situation, and also how you see yourself coping
mentally and emotionally. Make sure you are aware of the tremendous
guilt feelings which can be experienced at the time of a partnership
break up.
Even if you feel that the break up is inevitable and is primarily
'not your fault', you will probably have days when you are awash
with guilt - be prepared to stand by your choices.
Cosmic-cherry wishes you good luck, good planning and a fresh
future.