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| wholelife action area> getting to know myself better my working life personal relationships health - mind and body leisure, social and 'me time' mindercises |
personal relationships
This
section of the wholelife action area is all about your personal
relationship with your partner or about meeting a potential partner,
as opposed to your relationships with parents, children, other
family members and friends. However you won’t find any explicit
sexual advice here – that is always available in a myriad
of publications, films and videos. I believe that because we are
inundated with too much explicit information about the mechanics
of sex, and what a good time everyone else seems to be having,
we find it difficult to think rationally about the subject and
to make happy healthy choices.
NB Anyone reading this section who has been
in an abusive sexual relationship or in a relationship with a
member of his or her own family or is anxious or depressed should
seek professional help.
So I’m going to ask you to get to know
your 'relationship self’. It's amazing how many people
have never stopped to wonder how their upbringing - parental attitudes
to sex and relationships, school approach to the teaching of sex
education or lack of it, their first sexual experience etc - affects
the choices they make afterwards. Think about these things now
and if you like write some comments down in a private notebook.
Go back to your first sexual encounter - how was it for you? Think
through what's happened since.
So many factors affect the success or otherwise of a personal
relationship, but it is fair to say that compatibility on sexual
matters is paramount. Frequency of sexual contact, trust in faithfulness
and types of sexual coupling, are all factors. Whether you agree
to once a day, once a month or once a year - you both need to
feel comfortable with this. Likewise, with regard to sexual practices,
you need to agree on what is and is not acceptable for you as
individuals.
However sexual compatibility is something of a chicken and egg
situation. Is it the other niggles in the relationship which apparently
cause a problem with the sexual relationship? Or is it the lack
of sexual harmony which appears to cause problems in other departments?
In case you feel that extra guidance is required to re-view the
past 'in the round', click on the question checklist ‘a
close look at relationships that are now over’.
Choose to answer only those questions which are appropriate to
your situation.
Your choice of previous relationships, however disastrous they
might seem, can be a valuable learning experience. If you can
work out why relationships in the past have not been everything
you've hoped for, or why you feel guilty about sex and are afraid
to let go and enjoy it, or why you consistently choose partners
who let you down, then you can systematically adopt an approach
that gives you more chance of success.
Now you're ready to put everything into context and examine you
current relationship, or lack of it, and how you can make improvements
today, tomorrow and possibly forever, if you aspire to a long-term
monogamous relationship. The key is your 'thinking'.
For those of you in a relationship that needs some hard work or
even simply re-freshing, click on
‘a close look at my current relationship’.
It’s a similar battery of questions to the one for past relationships.
This time, however, it's in the here and now and in more detail.
The truth may hurt but knowing it will also help you to solve
problems which are lurking just below the surface and create a
better nicer two-way relationship. For those of you who are not
in a relationship at the moment but would like to be, click on
‘Looking
for a relationship'
.
How did you get on and where do you go from here if you want to
make positive changes for the good of your relationship? Having
answered the questions relevant to you honestly, you can now try
to create what you both really need. First you have to say what
this is! This is your realistic Personal Relationship Target.
Write your Target statement down across a new page of your notebook.
In order to create and fulfil your relationship ideal, your next
step is to identify the changes that you are going to give time
to. Then you can develop a realistic strategy for making those
changes. You may already have discovered the best way for you
to reflect on your 'discoveries' and to initiate change - fine.
For those of you who would like to continue with the WholeLife
Choices system, divide your notebook page vertically into two
columns.
Headline the left hand column Create Changes. In this column you
write a few words about the sort of changes you are aiming for
in line with the questions you felt needed an answer.
Headline the right hand column Action Choices. Here you write
a few words on what you and/or your partner will actually do to
make the changes happen. Click on ‘Strategies
for changing existing relationships’ for further
information and advice.
At the end of the day, you and your partner are the only people
who can actually bring into being the kind of relationship that
you both desire. With honesty and dedication you can definitely
succeed – over to you!